Strained.

I work at Macy's some mornings, helping put out shipments. I work in the Home department, which is filled with bed coverings, glass ware, electric appliances, and coffee. I have come to the realization that everything is priced on how confusing the name is. If you have to stare at it for a few seconds, just multiply the number of seconds by ten. That Wusthof knife? Yup, 90 dollars.

Today I unpacked a Martha Stewart berry strainer. Yes, you read right. It was a tiny strainer. For berries.

If you are walking through the store, and you stop by the berry strainers, and you think, 'jeeze, this is what I've been looking for all this time. A tiny strainer for all the goddamn berries I eat.' Then you've probably got the runs.

It is the absolute height of superfluous purchases. If this strainer is on your shopping list, you have run out of things to spend your money on.

I've got a better idea. Those strainers are four dollars a piece. If you have exhausted all the other avenues for fund depletion, call me over. For only four dollars, you can pour your delicious berries into my freshly cleaned hands. I'll shake them gently, making sure not to bruise your precious fruit.

Not only will you get an automated berry handler to place berries into a bowl or what have you, my hands come with close-able fingers allowing for a tight fit no matter the volume or variety of berry.*

My hands also come with my body. While straining your berries, I will smile and nod if you want to tell stories. I may even look at you. Don't we all miss a little human interaction now and then as we eat berries on the porch in the cold rain, humming to ourselves and our nearby cats? Put the human back in berry straining.

But I'm not stopping there. At four dollars, not only will I hold out my squeaky clean hands to be filled with your moist berries, not only will I place said berries in a bowl or decanter of your choice after rinsing them, and not only will I nod appreciatively at your chatter, I'll also show myself out of the house once your berry washing is complete, so that you can enjoy your fruity mastication in privacy.

So if you really want to spend four dollars on something that has no reason to happen in the first place, spend those dollars on me. After all, will Martha Stewart handle your berries for you?

On an unrelated note, in the spirit of the Occupy Movement:

This is what democrasaur looks like.

*Hands have a maximum capacity of 12 small berries.